“Charlie” is a man in our church. I encourage you to leave a comment telling “Charlie” how his story impacts you. May God use this story to free many from the trap of sin. If you need help please contact me directly at my CCC email address. We’ll find the help you need.

I am a recovering sex addict. That you might more fully understand the grace and love of our God, I reveal my life to you.

I have been imprisoned for most of my adult life, as you will come to see.

At the age of 3, your dad is essentially “God” in your infantile way of thinking. My dad’s words and actions told me deep down inside that I did not have a right to exist. As a child you cannot process this. You just respond to it in any way you can. I was virtually stripped of any sense of worth from my earliest days. In my case, I set out on what would become a life-long mission to prove I did have worth and I did have a right to exist in the world.

Through childhood and adolescence, I was constantly trying to prove myself to my father. I developed a work ethic. While other kids joined the scouts or a sports team I stayed at home to work and prove I was a ‘man.’ I would never have anything to do with girls because they were not ‘manly.’ I became relationally stunted, shy and withdrawn. All this time I worked with my dad he never missed a chance to strip me of my self-worth.

The problems really began at puberty. I could not have normal relationships with girls. I actually hated any closeness with my own mother for fear it indicated weakness. Yet I still had all the normal feelings and desires for the opposite sex with no acceptable way to express them. Like many teens, I learned everything about sex from all the wrong sources and without a good balance, I began to have a secret life of which I was very ashamed.

It wasn’t until I left home for college that I began to date and develop normal healthy relationships and attitudes. But by that time my secret life was entrenched.

After college I married and started a family. The secret life continued. Eventually our marriage began to fail. I became vulnerable to attractions from outside the marriage. I became an adulterer. Now I had three lives: my failing marriage, my adulteress affair and my secret life. Sex had become an elixir I could not resist and the secret life began to take on new aspects. I had reached a point where every waking moment of my life was consumed with sex. At first I was making up lies. Soon, I was making up lies to cover up the lies. Before I knew it, I was so deep in lies I was losing touch with reality.

Meanwhile, my wife began to attend a new church out of desperation. I could see divorce on the horizon and I wasn’t going to let my child be taken away by some creepy Christian cult. So I began to attend to protect my interests. One day, after about a year of hearing God’s word, the police knocked on my door. I realized what a mess my life was. I accepted Jesus as the Lord and Savior of my life.

That first year was a turnabout for me. I implemented several godly disciplines to bring my sexual desires under control. I became a servant in the church and it became my family. Our marriage began to heal.

But after a period, when our church went through some difficult events, I became disillusioned with church, but strengthened in my faith, and pretty much out there alone. Slowly, the old ways began to creep back into my life. I was walking a tight wire and I knew it.

One day, I found myself very tempted to act out in the old ways. I cried out to God telling Him I never wanted to go back. I asked him to either kill me or take me out of it some other way. All that night I sweated and prayed. The next day I lay in the ashes at His feet. I had come to accept that the disciplines I had used were of my own strength. There was nothing within this flesh, absolutely nothing I could ever do that would enable me to conquer the lust. I told God only He understood the processes that go on in me and around me. He knew these things I could not sense as they were happening. He knew the chemicals that were being released within my brain knocked out my inhibitions due to outside triggers I wasn’t even aware of. I prayed to Him, “Father, I give up. I give myself over to you completely. Only you know what is going on inside me and nothing in my own knowledge and strength can beat this. So from now on I am putting myself in your hands. I am going to pray a simple prayer – for you to help me in the way you see I that I need, from one moment to the next.”

God began to work immediately. It was a slow process. At first I only resisted temptations for one or two days before a failure. But I noticed that it was not a matter of resisting temptation. Instead, I became immune to temptation. I became acutely aware of physiological sensations and external triggers. When I sensed them I immediately told God and He would take over. Before I knew it, a couple of days became weeks, then months. Then one night as I lay in bed thanking God for His help that day I realized I could not even recall the last time I had slipped back in to lustful actions. Suddenly for the first time since puberty, I realized I was experiencing the freedom Jesus offers us. It was no longer an intellectual thing. It was real.

I’m 64 years old. I spent most of my life since puberty in prison. Not behind walls and bars. But always looking over my shoulder. Always fearful of backsliding, being exposed, destroying my marriage, hurting my wife and family. Repeating that vicious cycle of temptation, helplessly giving in, getting the “cheap fix” then hating myself for my own weakness and for betraying my Lord, asking for forgiveness knowing I would do it again the next day. And the next day would come and with it another shameful cycle.

But that cycle is now over and gone by the grace and love of the one real God. Telling my story is my chance to give glory to God. I am compelled to share with you the wonderful work God had done. My sincere desire is that you would see for yourself that no matter what your sin or trap, there is indeed hope. This is not the kind of hope like “I hope I get a new bike for Christmas” not knowing if you will receive it. Instead, for those who believe in Christ “hope” is a certainty of things to come. So no matter how bad your sin, you can have hope. You can have freedom!

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